I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
