new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
