Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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