yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
