I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
