Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
