I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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