Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
