He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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