U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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