Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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