His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Found the puke drawer
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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