I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
