and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
