im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
