I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
