Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
