i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
