I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
People in love make me want to vomit
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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