In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
