1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
