I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize