I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
