Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
im on a boat
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