someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
