If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
