Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We need to get me chipped asap
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
