rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
