I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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