dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize