he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
