It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
