I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drake has all the answers
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
