Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
