he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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