Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
