I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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