If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
