Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
