Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
