whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
