I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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