I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
