i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
