Pappa wants mamma naked
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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