so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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