If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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