Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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