either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
