i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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