I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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