I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
