the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
