A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize