Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A+ Viking dick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
