Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
