I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
