I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't notice because vodka
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
