talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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