After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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