I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
