Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
