i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
