I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
