if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My life is pants optional.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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